External Word Processing

I want to be a disciplined blogger, that is, to blog regularly with meaningful content.  In real life, I am an extrovert who only becomes most aware of her opinion while talking.  This process works when I talk to myself in my head or out loud in the car or shower,  but I most learn about myself, life and God while I'm talking with others.  I don't know why.  It's like the words/ideas come out and hang in an invisible cloud above my head where in full view I truly see them and ether own or dismiss them.

So, the truth is, today I don't have any one thing to say.  I'm thinking about a lot and so to remember the many ideas I have, I open new blog posts with titles but no content as reminders for future posts.  I thought if I started typing that the words and concepts of most importance might rise to the top.  So far, I'm just distracted by the fact that if I let my very active two-year old keep sleeping now that I may be contending with my active two-year old at 5:30 a.m. (We still haven't figured out if shorter naps mean longer night sleep.)

My readership of this blog is roughly 3 people, so it's hard not to think of them when an idea comes to mind, although it does excite me to release my thoughts into the blogosphere, not knowing who might stumble upon them.  (Is it only me, or am I stalling?)  Ah!

Yesterday I encouraged a friend that when she is feeling that she is not doing enough to encourage her own family to pursue a relationship with Jesus that she should remember that Romans 8:1 which says, "Therefore, there is now now condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  A trusty reminder that if we are hearing a voice that tells us we don't measure up, that in any regard we aren't good enough to move in the ways God has called us, if by simply being who we are, we aren't much use to anyone-that IS NOT God's voice. (I love arriving at a conclusion, even if by process of elimination) I'm sharing this because it is a good word from the Word for us all.  After all, my post title, to which an obsessive honesty trait binds me is about External Word Processing.  Feels like the Word should get a mention.

God is Patient with My Process

I am not patient.  Really, I think all of us are patient/impatient about different kinds of things.  My husband and I have been discerning our path for the last 3 years and still don't have a permanent place to live or even one full-time job.  This would drive many people crazy, and while I have my moments of frustration and jangled nerves, I'm hanging in there. Trusting and hoping in God's plan, and our family's role in it.  What I struggle with more is my own growth.  Kicking a habit/sin, developing a habit/maturing- I hate waiting on myself.  When I see the plank of imperfection in my own eye, I want nothing more than to rip it out.

Having a baby has put a spotlight on this.   In the early months of little sleep and much crying, I wanted Jesus to pay me a visit.  In all his glory, in my living room.  I was shocked to learn that I couldn't will God into a performance for me.  I couldn't understand why, if I was trying so hard to be a good mother but obviously failing so miserably, he wouldn't come and visit me, change me so I could be closer to perfect.  Why would he let me stay in rage, exhaustion and self-pity?  I would get so angry with my son at times, I truly would have to just walk away.  (I now understand why they spent so much time addressing "Shaken Baby Syndrome" during our childbirth class.)  I would mind-swear, beg God to help him sleep, beg God to make me sleep, tense up and stress out over every noise, every creaky floor board.  I steathily snuck down the hallway like Chuck Bartowski avoiding security lasers.   I saw myself as a sin-factory cranking out new crappy thoughts by the minute.  I would literally scream and cry in frustration that God didn't intervene.

Why didn't He?

This season of life has lead me to wrestle with the real questions of my faith.

LORD, are you not intervening because:

A. You're not real?
B. You're real but don't see me?
C. You set the universe in motion like a clock but have a hands-off approach now?
D. I deserve this?
E. You are trying to get rid of me?

My husband, being the RIDICULOUSLY patient Pastor-Man that he is suggested reason F.

F. You (God) are patient with me through this very difficult process of raising a big, strong, refluxy/colicky baby, while dealing with hormone imbalances and sorely missing my mother.  You see my mess and you love me still.

What? I challenged him (obvs).

So God is okay with me like this? Really, you think God wants me to stay a crazy, angry, social-life deprived maniac?  He likes me this way? Really?  He's okay with my mind swearing, pillow-punching, self-hating lunacy?  I give.

Hubby went on to explain (I'd really never thought this clearly about it) that parenting is hard and it's part of life. God doesn't keep us from "hard".    Remember the cross?    He said that just because I was so angry with myself for being so angry that that didn't mean that GOD was angry with me.  I was projecting that onto Him, putting words in His mouth.  This discussion probably happened 10-15 times over the course of 8 months.  I am so grateful for my husband's steadfastness in telling me the truth until it sunk down deep enough to become my own.

God knows our hearts. He knows mine.  He also knows the seasons of our life.  While I have never been more angry, more doubtful, more high-maintenance in my entire life, God sees me as the future-finished-me, the transformed by Jesus me.  Remarkably, he loves me even in the midst of my terrible-thirtyones.

If God can pull me out of that deep, dark place and do it slowly and gently and if my husband can persevere in conversations about faith and doubt while I badger him with "yeah-buts?" for MONTHS on end, then maybe I can learn to be more patient with my process.  And with yours too.

I Have Mudlines.

In early March (2014) I attended Casting Crowns concert with friends from church. Honestly, I wouldn't have attended the concert on my own, but these tickets were gifted to us and I find it hard to turn down the company of wonderful friends. I went expecting a night of good fellowship and enjoyable music. I was given much more.

Let's back up 24 hours. In a brief quiet time (I'm the mother of a two year old, so they're almost always brief) with God, a song my sisterfriend wrote came to mind. She penned it inspired by the scripture Psalm 1:1-4. I began to sing the song, with the lyrics I could recall and thought, "hmm, that's odd". I hadn't thought about her song for a couple years.

Katie's Lyrics:

Blessed is the man who walks in the way of the righteous

Who doesn't take advice from those who don't care

Who don't care

Blessed is the man who walks in the way of the righteous

Who doesn't take advice from those who don't care

For he will be just like a tree

Whose roots dig deep beside a stream

This stream is the stream of life, the stream of life

For his delight is in the Lord

And on his law he meditates

Day and night, night and day
Night and day

Psalm 1:1-4

Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Onward to the concert. When the concert opened, there was a picture of this tree above. Or one just like it. The lead singer of Casting Crowns, Mark Hall, began to share the meaning of their new album THRIVE.  He spoke about the tree above having weathered so many storms that after Hurricane Katrina, people could not only see the lines that the mud left high up on the tree, but bicycles and other random rubbish in its branches. He went on to talk about the tree's deep and far reaching root system. He shared from Psalm 1:1-4 that a man planted by streams of water won't have withering leaves, they aren't blown away by winds.

I have been walking through thick, muddy doubt these past few years and I truly began to believe the enemy's lies that God was trying to get rid of me. That he wanted me to stop believing in Him, because I was too much work. It was with this scripture at this concert that I felt God say, "You have mudlines! You've been walking with me for 30 years and your roots are deep and wide. Do you think that this storm can blow you over? Do you think I would cultivate you for 30 years only to want to blow you over? I've invested myself in you. I want you to THRIVE!" Whoa. Lots of happy tears and a few songs later, my mind was blown and something in my spirit changed. I believed Him.

I have 3 decades of roots. I've had 30 seasons of leaves. I've had people find the rest and shade of Jesus in my branches. I've had some poop on me. (metaphorically and literally if you count the aforementioned 2 year old) The tree in the photo at the top is in Geneva, Alabama. In searching for a picture for this blog, I learned that this is called a "living witness" tree. I'm beginning to really like this tree.

I've been prompted over and over to start a blog and after the concert (that was 3 months ago now) I thought that the concept of mudlines, marks that show you've weathered some storms, might somehow tie in to the name for the blog. So here it is: Mudlines- Grounded to grow. Rooted to reach? You get the point.

Check out Mark Hall's video explaining his experience at the tree.